Early morning rumination

I saw the morning come today. I woke up in the darkness in my room at 6 AM. The chill of the dying night lingered in the air. I looked the window- A scarlet tinged horizon, quiet stars scattered across the sky.

Everything takes me back to the past, to my life in KGP. The cool air feels the same as it used to there, its smell, the way it used to caress my arms as I came cycling from Jnan Ghosh stadium towards MMM Hall. The same stillness is suffused in the morning as it used to in my room- a thin mattress, a thinner blanket and boiling hot water waiting for me in the common wing geyser. Life was simple, living it was easy.

I sit up, facing the window and take mind to all the places on campus, where I had spent time with the friends I loved so much. The wide footpaths on 2.2, Bhasky's, Eggies, PFC, the corridors of the Main Building, the wing balcony. I see them clearly. I feel them almost, as if I could be there at this moment. But in my mind, I don't see the people. I see only the places as they would be on this cold winter morning- the objects that define them and the deserted emptiness that must have filled them. Imagining myself there is too painful, being alone in those places would terrible. One cup of chai, a single cigarette, a single pair of footsteps trampling the dead, forgotten leaves.

I once used to have a recurring dream- that I was the only person left in the world. No zombie apocalypse, no pandemic, no storms and volcanos. Just me, an empty universe and the rest of my life. It occurred to me that it would feel somewhat similar to be in KGP- to drown in fond memories while facing a desperately quiet present.

Light slowly fills my room. I put on headphones and listen to indie prog-rock albums on my laptop, the ones we used to play while being intoxicated at odd hours of the night. The sky is clear today, pure golden light fills the space around me. A new day is here, nature is having a subdued but joyful celebration. I can feel it in the air.

Memories slowly fade to the background, into gray resignation. They make way for acceptance, and fond reminiscence. I remember the smiles and the laughs, the wonderful people who held my hand through the years. It was good while it lasted. It was beautiful. While I flirt with the faint hope that I might be able to make my way back to those days, I decide to learn to be at peace with it. I learn to smile at the joy emerging from my nostalgia, to find it in the pain my memories cause me. I look out the window again. The sun is out now, sounds of activity have begun.

Not a bad way to start the day.